TITLE: Turn the Lights out When I Die 4/?
AUTHOR: EchoPlex 
E-MAIL: echoplex1925@yahoo.com 
DISTRIBUTION: Whenever, wherever just let me know.
RATING: R  
CATEGORIES: Angst/ Romance  	 
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully  
SPOILERS: Everything in the X-files. Mostly The Truth.
SUMMARY: Somewhere between an end and a beginning are two 
people and a few thousand miles.   
Disclaimer: 1013 owns them; I'm just taking them for a 
spin. No infringement is intended.
Author's Notes: Thanks for reading. Feedback is most 
welcome. 




Turn the Lights out When I Die 4/


4/




Interstate 10.

The sign blazes by. Scully sleeps with the passenger side 
all the way down. I watch her every now and then; I marvel 
at how I always knew I wanted to spend every moment with 
her even when I was afraid to admit it. I think about how 
it would make me lie awake at night, how when I dialed her 
at night any given night really, how I never felt I had a 
right to invade her the way she did me. Its kind of 
pathetic, women always had a way of taking up too much 
space in my brain, but Scully she's always been different. 
She takes up the empty space that I wouldn't let women 
touch, the space in my mind lead to my reason to my soul. 
The how leads to why. The why is all so simple.

I was living the life. The ultimate loner. I had my work, 
my dreams, goals...I had the search for my sister and the 
truth behind her disappearance. Then fate had Scully walk 
into me and she made me work for everything. It got to be 
that we spent every waking moment together, then I got 
addicted to her, swimming in her, everywhere I looked, 
everywhere I felt, every time I had a quiet moment, she 
would be there. I had to dig hard to find cases just to 
justify calling her out of fear she'd have more important 
things to do. It never even occurred to me that I was 
keeping her away from the life she should have had till it 
was too late. I assumed. I assumed her goals where mine, I 
assumed that she felt what I did. I assumed she was trapped 
in the same pattern I was.

Loops and circles roads twisted with memories of how I 
broke her heart again and again. But I couldn't do it 
alone. She cracked me open like so many prison rocks, got 
inside and now I can't live without her. I tried. I am too 
selfish and weak and though everything screams run, get 
away from her while you can, another part screams what are 
you mad? There won't be anything left in a few years, enjoy 
her while you can...you...you, fucking idiot. How do you 
measure time? How did we? One minute we where standing in 
the rain laughing, the next we are here. I am. She is. We 
are. Monologues in my head always hate me more than I know 
especially when I repeat the same nagging thought again and 
again. The world goes by. Cars go by. Unaware that they are 
already dead. If they knew they would drive faster...yes 
that means you Mr. Big Rig truck driver, wake up! Move!

Think about something else Fox...seriously.

I take a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Good, panic is no 
longer rising; heart rate is not pounding its way outside 
of my chest.

I think about nothing while rain soaked farm and cow blur 
by and by. The truck takes the turn off. Its just those 
wavy lines on the road, smooth asphalt and Scully's 
breathing underneath. I keep an eye out for "them." Somehow 
I feel "them" lurking in every corner.

I wish I had some seeds.

I don't even know where to begin. I have no conceivable 
idea of what we are going to do or where we are going to 
go. The money I have stashed that I saved for this very 
instance, for the moment in time that would force me to 
keep moving, the car I have is an indulgence, then what? A 
car and money are not exactly the best laid plans.

My father gave it all to me when I graduated high school. 
He returned just in time to see me get my diploma. He had 
enough time to get good and plastered before he arrived 
with keys in hand and suitcase in tow. In the parking lot, 
the cold rain beating down on everyone, ignored questions 
from my mother, scotch reeking in waves as he spoke and 
said "Congratulations. Fox you are one step closer to being 
a man." My mother walked away in a huff without a word for 
either of us. And there it was a 77' Fire Bird, black with 
a gold phoenix on the hood. I didn't know what he was 
thinking or who he thought I was but the car was mine and 
the money I would find later. I had just finished reading 
"On the road" and all I ever dreamed about since Sam went 
missing was getting away and my father gave me the chance. 

"Come on Fox, let's take a drive and have a talk."

"What about mom?" my 18 year old self asked.

"A good friend of mine is right at this very moment 
offering your mother assistance with a car ride back home. 
I am certain she will accept his invitation, she's never 
said no before, fear not my son. "Here, he practically fell 
in front of me as he tossed the keys. "you drive."

My blue cap and gown was soaked and the mousse dripping 
from my hair was stinging my eyes. I tried to wipe as much 
as I could from my face as I got closer and closer to the 
car.

I scanned the car out to in.

Michelin tires, leather bucket seats, fuzzy dice, an 8-
track deck in the dash. A half drunk bottle of scotch on 
the passenger seat...a lingering mist of cigarette smoke.

My father nearly stumbled in the rain as he rounded the car 
towards the passenger side. I opened the door for him and 
my diploma fell out of my hand. He picked it up for me and 
smiled or was it drooled? I wasn't sure how many bottles of 
scotch he might have had before he got there. 

I slammed the door shut and headed to the driver's side. I 
pulled on the silver handle and slide inside along the 
battered leather seat. The wheel had a nice grip and dad 
busied himself with the scotch as Tim Donaldson yelled for 
my attention.

"Yo! Fox...is that your ride?" Tim wandered over to me 
admiring the car. He leaned into the window and was 
dripping rain into my face as he leaned in some more and 
looked around. "Hey Mr. Mulder...haven't seen you in while 
how ya been?"

"Good Timothy, your father is he well..." dad slurred.

"Mr. Mulder you don't remember...my dad died in the war." 
Tim said instantly depressed. My father had that effect on 
people.

Blank look from him then remembrance. "Sorry my boy...its 
been a long time since I have been home...my dearest 
sympathy for you and your dear mother."

"Its ok...so Foxy...this your ride?" Tim asked staring at 
the dash.

"Yeah...my graduation gift...listen Tim I gotta go take my 
dad home...still on for tonight, yeah?" End of the year 
beer bust for all the seniors. I wasn't sure I was going to 
go. Tim wasn't sure he wanted me to. This was just Tim 
being polite and feeling bad about what went down. 

"Sure, cool beans...later Fox...bye Mr. Mulder." Tim walked 
away and joined his girl, my ex...Stacy. Why didn't I 
remember that till now?

I turned the key dad gave me and the engine roared to life. 
Dad popped in an 8-track. It was "Knights in white satin" 
by the Moody blues. I hit the wipers and I pulled out of 
the parking lot.

"So dad where to?"

"Home...I want to go home." he said as the music carried 
the moment. He drank deeply from the bottle then handed it 
to me. I took a sip and it nearly made me gag...scotch no 
matter how good or bad always leaves an aftertaste.

"Fox...I don't know what your plans are...I have not 
discussed this with your mother...but there are things that 
I would like to prepare you for...things that your future 
self will need. Things you have no understanding for right 
now."

Stacy and Tim left an unpleasant aftertaste. I let them go 
on with each other because I already knew what I wanted to 
do with my life. I was going leave and never come back. So 
what difference did it make if it was them together.

This is what I was thinking about while my father droned on 
and on about this moment. 

"A time will come Fox, when you will have no choice but to 
abandon everything...for the truth."

I balanced the road and my father and his drunken 
proposition with the interest of losing the girl you lost 
your virginity to. "Listen dad...I don't think mom wants to 
talk to you...you've been gone for a while...and-"

"Fox are you even here with me? Is this all really 
happening...I am giving you the means to live, free...what 
are we without freedom?"

The car rode like a dream. If only he would've arrived my 
junior year with that car. I could have been something 
cool, instead of a 3 period library recluse who was a bench 
player for the basketball team. 

"Fox...I want you to take this car and drive to this 
address. Pack a change of clothes, identification and drive 
to this address...do not tell your mother...anything...at 
all...anything...she need not know...anything."

"Dad-"

"Damn it Fox, You are a man now!" he slurred and drooled 
and cried. "I am giving you the means to save your 
life...the life of someone you love...its all been 
decided...these fine decisions...here leave me here...go 
home and pack...don't think...just go home, tell your 
mother that I am sorry we did not speak. I am sure she 
knows that I have nothing to say."

Say, say, say...reverberation like the corners of my mind.

Best Western.

The sign blazes by and rescues us from the rainstorm from 
hell that seemed to be following Scully and me all the way 
to Louisiana. Next exit. The sign for a brief flash of 
lightning read No Exit. Blinking and refocusing I switched 
the radio on.

I kept the volume low but Scully was use to it for all our 
life spent on the road, she didn't even flinch. The rock of 
wherever changed to the country of no tomorrow. The man 
drawled on about the argument, the woman claimed he burned 
her trailer, stole her heart and married her sister. It 
really made me miss Depeche Mode.  

The sign reads Vacancy and free HBO. Great. Scully needs to 
sleep in a bed. And I need to think. 

We pull into the empty parking lot and she stirred lightly. 
I get out stretch my legs and checked us in as Mr. and Mrs. 
Hale. Room 9 read the key on the ring as I knocked on her 
window; she wakes with a start and then smiles when she 
sets eyes with me. I open the door and help her as she 
softly whispers into my chest how she is tired.

We take baby steps into our bland room. I walk her to the 
bed in the center of the room, strip down the sheets as she 
takes her slacks off, then her blouse. She slides in and is 
asleep before I can kiss her, which I still do. I follow 
her pattern. Naked I lie next to her and absorb her warmth. 
I kiss her neck as she snuggles instinctively closer. I 
close my eyes and fall asleep.

I dream about that morning. That morning when I ran again.

It was the kind of bliss I never really dreamed about. Most 
times I didn't dream about anything but strange lights and 
screaming. So to wake up next to Scully after every 
miserable bizarre form of torture that could be inflicted 
on a man, yeah I thought I was dreaming. To feel her body 
warm and lush, sweet baby scent clinging to her for dear 
life, the way the sun read the world to me across the walls 
of her apartment, hearing that soft breathing of my son. My 
son. Scully and I made a baby. Seriously, wake me up. I am  
dreaming. 

I wasn't. That morning it was no dream. I knew what the day 
meant. We got the odd visit from Kersch. He made a 
compelling argument for me to run away and Scully agreed. I 
couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I had 
stayed put and not ran away. Its like I was born to run. 
Its like I was born to never be content. Its like I don't 
get to be grateful, thankful, to be cared for...Scully and 
I made a baby that I will never know, ever teach, oh 
man...Will...what the fucking hell was I thinking?

Sometimes the knife that I channel cuts left from center. 

Waking up and not knowing where on Earth we are. Out of 
time, space and stars standing still. Rain has stopped. I 
get out of Scully's warm embrace and walk towards the 
window. Cars continue to float by as if we don't exist. 
Looking back over to Scully as she sleeps. Everything for 
this moment for her has stopped and she doesn't care. I 
love it. Peace, how long was I out, maybe 20 minutes.

The dream of that morning mocking me and I can't help but 
complete the thought, dreams are thoughts with live action 
pictures right?

That morning Scully couldn't speak. That morning close to a 
year ago I told her everything that I didn't get a chance 
to say the night she ran from me. I think I had tears, yeah 
pretty sure about the tears. What I said to Scully standing 
in her doorway holding our son for the last time what I 
said to her: "I've...I've, always loved you Scully. The 
universe can't be this fucked up, I can't believe that. I 
will see both of you soon, I will fix this and then we'll 
build something more just the three of us."

"Mulder-"

I cut her off with my mouth. There are only so many 
heartbreaks a man can take before he himself breaks. If she 
said the words to me...I don't know why but Daniel Day 
Lewis running in a forest popped into my head. I laughed a 
sad ironic laugh then Scully did. I kissed my boy goodbye, 
I kissed Scully goodbye then I handed William to his 
mother. Just for a moment I stared at them. Sam was gone, 
my mother, my father, my love, my son. There was a pattern, 
techno color and quite brilliant. 

Most nights in that trailer staring out into desert and 
tumble weed I thought about them; my love and son. I 
thought about the point of it all. I thought about the cold 
dark matter logged inside my physical self. I thought about 
all kinds of people coming to rescue her that were not me. 
I thought-

"Whatcha doing?" Scully mumbles in her sleep.

"Just thinking...just standing and thinking. I kept bad 
time while we where apart, got use to seeing the sun coming 
up against the desert." I close the shades so the light 
doesn't get in. I don't want it to get in.

"Come back to bed for a little while, we can pretend.' her 
drowsy eyes, her low voice. I've got too many things to say 
to her, if we pretend that we are someone else will it be 
easier?

I walk back over to her and she laughs.

"What?"

"On second thought Mulder stay where you are, I like 
looking at you bare assed.

"Oh yeah. We need some clothes Scully." I say winking as I 
walk over to the bed.

"Yeah clothes would be nice, a toothbrush, um...shampoo...I 
like when you do that.'

"This."

"Yeah...that. Its nice."

"Go back to sleep Scully. I'll take you shopping on Canal 
Street once we get to New Orleans." what Scully liked. The 
feel that made her blush and run a little hot was the lazy 
hand of mine that crept over her breast.

"I dreamed about what they were doing to you." she says 
again. I still didn't want to talk about it.

"I'm sorry you saw all of that." I say plainly.

"I saw one."

"You saw a ship? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, the one that dropped you off, yeah, I saw one." her 
tone suggests that it was her worst fear come true. "Mulder 
what are we going to do?"

"About the ships?" 

"Yeah."

"Scully we have time to deal with all that."

"Do we?"

"2012 is a long way from here. I am not sure we can do 
anything but live till then."

"I've seen a lot of things that I never admitted to out of 
fear, I don't know if I can just live it out till then." 
she turns and faces me. Her sadness was cutting close to 
the bone.

"Look Scully tell me here and now what it is you want to 
do. We need to talk about this so lets talk."


End of 4