Title: Evil Divine

Author: Bridget

E-mail: msathenaxf@cox.net

Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. And thank goodness the 
real owners brought them back out to play.

Spoilers: IWTB

Summary: Scully tries to come to terms with her confusion over 
Christian's operation.


Evil Divine


For as far back as she could remember, the Catholic Church had 
been a monumental part of her life. The rigidity of it was as 
natural to her as breathing, simply because--like the military 
strictness of her childhood--it had always been there. Rules 
were rules and you followed the rules.  God was God and you 
followed God, because he made the rules. 


As she grew up and learned more about life, she began to pull 
herself away from both the church and her parents. Scully's 
foray into adulthood truly was a break up, rather than a gradual 
separation. The day she told her parents she was going to 
Berkeley to study physics, despite their disagreement, with or 
without their financial help, had been the end of the Dana they 
knew. Now, though, Scully knew that even when they did not 
recognize her, God did.


And so even now, so many years later, the collar around Father 
Ybarra's neck, the beads clicking in the nuns' hands, are all 
familiar to her.  She knows this; she's lived it, worked it. 
Scully knows that God works through these men and women of the 
cloth. She knows that they love God and want what is best for 
this little boy just as much as she does.


So why isn't she listening to them? 


Her mind races in the walk to the surgical theater. This is the 
same question that she tried to work out during the car ride to 
the hospital.  The same question she asked Mulder and the same 
question she asked Father Joe. And she still does not have an 
answer.


Don't give up. Initially, she followed through with it, telling 
the Fearons not to falter. And then Margaret Fearon throws her 
that damn line about being a mother. And Scully suddenly 
remembered that she is not a mother anymore; she has no claim 
on this boy, or any right to make this decision for the people 
who love him best. And these realizations brought her to Father 
Joe's door.


When that turned into a disaster, Scully still did not have her 
answers worked out. And she was being forced to choose 
between her mind, as she refused to reconcile past and present; 
her heart, every time she thought of Christian in his hospital 
bed; and her soul, which can only ever be summarized as 
'Mulder'.


So now as she faces the guilt of putting Christian through 
incredible pain on the weight of three words from a convicted 
felon, she doubts all of her motives. Is she really doing this 
because she thinks it will work? Is she trying to save the little 
boy she gave up so long ago? Or is she just trying to save 
herself? Not for the first time, Scully wishes that she had the 
strength of Mulder's beliefs. Mulder believed in Father Joe, but 
Mulder believes in a lot of things. 


He believes she will make the right decision.


She imagines him walking beside her as she traverses the hall. 
Stares and ignoble looks from her coworkers are not new. But it 
was much easier when she was not alone. Then, there, looming 
in front of her is the door to surgical prep. Scully is terrified 
because she still does not have an answer. 


Don't give up. It could mean so much when it comes to her life. 
It could mean nothing. The young resident next to her steps 
forward, asking if she is ready to begin. Is she? Was Father Joe 
only crazy? Was God trying to tell her something? Was she 
reading too much into this all together?


But when Scully looks into the hallway in doubt, her mind 
stills. She does not see nuns, watching in disapproval. She sees 
a blond boy of about ten, with wounds bleeding from his hands 
and a mischievous grin on his face. She sees a killer in an 
orange jumpsuit, looking at her with her partner's face. A 
mentally disturbed man who could see dead women, and who 
she saw in turn. She can hear her sister's voice in her ear, 
telling her about Emily, and remembers a vision from a Buddhist 
temple, where she took her first major step back to God.


In the end, Scully came to the conclusion that Father Joe's 
words were about Mulder--if they meant anything at all. But, 
really, has she ever needed God to tell her not to give up on her 
partner? God has never shown Himself to her in a conventional 
way, she realizes. She found God in her work, not from her 
priest. Father Joe was both, so why not him?


She can do this--she is supposed to do this. Confident, Scully 
sends up a heartfelt prayer. She realizes that the entire room is 
waiting on her answer.


"Yes."


-fin